Starting Over

I am not a mindful mum, I’m a bloody grumpy mum. I love my one year old daughter and I love my husband and I know I have a lovely life, when I take the time to sit and think about it. But I have a blinding temper in the drama of the moment during “discussions” with my other half, with pretty unpleasant consequences. I often feel over-worked and under-appreciated, and I’m not good at hiding that fact from him. I wasn’t always a stay at home mum, I was once a corporate slave, and while I’m delighted to have left all that behind, I’m still a lover of the Performance Culture – I want feedback! I want praise! I want recognition for my work! Over a year after giving birth to the fabulous Miss M, I still haven’t made peace with my new role. I want to be a SAHM, so why in the hell can’t I just do it for the sheer love of it? Why do I need the acknowledgement?? Why can’t I stop feeling taken for granted, even when I know I have a fantastic husband who does think I’m fabulous, he just doesn’t feel the need to shower me with compliments day and night? I’m beginning to have an inkling that I need to start looking inside myself rather than seeking fulfillment from outside praise and pandering. It occurs to me that I need to trust a little more, worry a whole lot less and start having a heap more respect for my marriage. I’ve been playing martyr on the Alter of Motherhood and it doesn’t suit me, that much is for sure. I made this choice, I want this life, but something doesn’t quite fit, and I don’t think that the niggling yet constant sense of dissatisfaction really does stem from the fact that I hate bloody housework and my husband sometimes doesn’t put his breakfast dishes in the machine…

So, I intend to start over. I will stop feeling resentful and start feeling grateful. I will count my farking blessings and remember every day that I only have one shot at this life, and it is time to make it count. Tough years taught me hard lessons that I appear to have forgotten. Wide travels taught me perspective and I’ve lost that too. I am not my best self, and my family deserves my best self. My goal is to find out what is missing, one post per day. I will become a Mindful Mum!


2 responses

  1. Hello! I just found your blog and can really identify with your journey. I too gave up a demanding job in the corporate world to become a full time mother, and found it a much more challenging transition than I could ever have expected. I guess I didn’t realise at the time how much I and others define themselves by their career and ‘what they do’; after all, we spend so much of our time either at work or thinking/talking about it. It was a huge mental shift to define myself not by the fact that I was this high achieving corporate hotshot; but that I was now “just a mother” or that I “just look after my daughter”. It took a long time to train myself out of adding the word ‘just’! But I am now fully adapted and so glad I made the transition. I wish you all the best on your journey and look forward to reading more.

    1. Hello mamalily, I hear ya! I wasn’t a high flyer by any means and indeed I found much of my role (number cruncher !) soul-destroying, and was more than happy when emigration finally forced me off my corporate hamster wheel after a decade of “service”…BUT I found out that I very much defined myself by my job title and the company I worked for once I started having to put “home duties”on forms and telling people I’m a SAHM…I hadn’t realised that at all, and it came as quite a shock to me. I too have had to train myself to stop saying “just” and I’ve never really managed to “just” be a SAHM either, making sure I volunteered and studied a lot in the first year of my daughter’s life when in hindsight should have perhaps relaxed a little more – I think I made things harder for myself than they needed to be! Learning curve… 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and commenting, I am going to go visit you now!

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