Miss M woke up his morning at the glorious time of 6.10am! I made a mug of tea and took it back to bed with Buddhism For Mothers until the even more glorious time of 7.30am, as it was my husband’s turn to do morning milk and play (part of me misses breastfeeding after 16 months of that unique closeness with my girly, but the rest of me in all honesty absolutely relishes the freedom that ending that chapter of our lives has brought!). Once again I felt inspired by this book and even shed some tears at the wonderful realisation that I am far from unique in my deep-rooted resentment and frustration with regard to various aspects of Motherhood (although of course I don’t wish them on anyone!) and that these feelings can perhaps be overcome and replaced with a sense of much needed peace, if I’m willing explore the solutions offered to me in Buddhist teachings.
Unfortunately after this marvellous start to the day, I then checked my email and was confronted with a continuation of Wednesday’s wider family conflict. I had just finished a chapter about dealing with negative emotion but didn’t imagine I’d be calling upon it within minutes of closing the book! As it was, I instantly forgot everything I had just read and began bashing out a lengthy point by point retort full of anger mixed with hurt and guilt. An hour later, emotionally exhausted, ready to be late for an appointment and having spent no precious time with Miss M, I started thinking about what I had read earlier. It finally dawned on me that I could perhaps try to control all my negative emotion instead of being carried away by it. I tried to be mindful and focus on what my body was doing, how I was holding it, my breathing. I calmed down enough to realise the absolute futility of an angry, point-scoring response. Instead I sent a short paragraph explaining that I’ll be in touch in a few weeks. I managed to end on a note of kindness that in all honesty I didn’t genuinely feel, but I wished it was genuine and I hope that is enough to diffuse things for the time being, while I sort out my emotions and decide how to approach these latest relationship difficulties in a calm and mindful manner.
From joyful relief to angry hurt in the space of a few minutes, and it was only 8.30am! But, despite my uncontrolled initial reaction I had managed to get it together in the end. Maybe there’s hope for this grumpy ol’ mindful mama wannabe after all!