I lost sight of things a little bit last night. Well ok, a lot. It was a long 12 hours with Miss M yesterday, and by the time my husband got home I was feeling pretty resentful. It’s been a while since this emotion had a good hold on me. Knowing as I do how destructive it is, I’ve worked hard these past 9 months on cultivating a mindful attitude of gratitude and ridding my life of pointless resentments. After all, that was the whole point of this starting this blog! But, a very wilful and energetic toddler, anaemia and 7 months of pregnancy have left me a little bit, shall we say, frayed at the edges, and it all came to a head at bedtime. Started with a passionate speech about the utter unfairness of men not being able to physically bear children. Yeah, I know. In hindsight I do feel a little bad for my husband in the face of that little vent! Ended in much snot and tears, related to fear that I will be unable to cope with a newborn and a crazy toddler with a husband that works long hours, and expressed in loud anger and resentment toward him for not having instant miracle answers and always saying the wrong thing. He is so not a bad husband, he’s a bloody brilliant husband. Evidenced by the fact that after a rather heated exchange (well, he’s only human…) and despite all that vitriol, the whole thing ended in cuddles at about 3am when I snuck back into bed from my (rather uncomfortable) point of principle in the spare room.
Awoke this morning feeling drained and puffy, and whilst having a cup of tea in bed alone (thank you lovely husband!) I came across a wonderful article via Twitter by Leo Babauta called The Only Way to Respond to Life, extract here:
“We often not only take life for granted, but complain about it…but goodness, look around you! What a wonder life is! If only we would take the time to see it, to really appreciate it, and to applaud. This moment is a ridiculously generous miracle. Give it up, folks, for life.”
And that was the boot up the ass I needed to get me out of bed and into the day. I got things back in perspective. Sometimes I think there’s too much social media in my life, and I need to cut back. Other times, as happens so often, I find a little gem – a quote or a short article – in my Twitter or Facebook feeds, and I remember what a wonderful tool social media can be. It’s all about moderation, of course. Less trawling through the crap and discussing nonsense, more constructive learning and sharing is the way forward.
Meantime, note to self, or rather, promise – every single day I will remember to stop, and be grateful. It really is the only constructive way to respond to life – especially when the going is rough.
Today is RUOK Day. I’ve had quite a tiring week or so, been feeling a bit drained. Last week was pretty hectic with Miss M’s second birthday – although it was an awesome day! – and I’m still waiting for my Ferrograd C to kick it (found out at last midwife visit that I’m a bit aenemic). Plus Miss M had some sleep “issues” for a few nights running. On Tuesday morning I had one of those “moments” when motherhood feels like a never-ending living hell that simply cannot be endured for another second, but by some miracle I managed to keep it together by being mindful – focussing on the sounds of the breeze flowing through the leaves in the trees and the birds singing, instead of phoning husband at work to have a despairing rant (never constructive!). Although in all honesty am not so sure I would have managed to remain so composed had Miss M not FINALLY gone for her nap! 🙂 Anyways, so yeah, I’ve feeling a bit shall we say, fragile!
But, I had decided to just slow things down this week, not do all our usual running around, and by today I felt energetic enough to get down to the local growers market, which I love to do (Miss M a little less – there was some protest from the buggy, but can’t have everything!) and then we went to a friend’s house for a playdate and catchup. Sat in the sun, ate yummy food, and when she asked me RUOK? I was able to answer a very truthful, Yes, thank you!
Taking a step back and slowing the pace right down was the right choice for this week. I’ve also been doing a little nesting while spending more time at home, getting things organised bit by bit for the arrival of Miss M’s lil sis in 10 weeks max (caesar baby #2). Feeling good now. And very grateful for lovely husband and lovely friendships.
29 weeks today and counting!
Don’t forget to ask your friends if they’re OK today. We can each of us make a difference.
For 24 hour crisis support call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Monday 10th September 2012 is World Suicide Prevention Day. Miss M, the bump and I joined a walk this beautiful Spring morning with Lifeline, to raise awareness of the fact that suicide is the leading cause of death for Australians under the age of 44. Lifeline believes most suicides are preventable and we all have a role to play. Please take a moment to visit Out of the Shadows. Thank you x