Until I’m 6 feet under
Baby I don’t need a bed
Gonna live while I’m alive
I’ll sleep when I’m dead
Till they roll me over
And lay my bones to rest
Gonna live while I’m alive
I’ll sleep when I’m dead
Ahhh how I loved Bon Jovi, back in the day! Still do. Apparently they are coming to Australia late next year. This ol’ mama hopes to be there! Meantime I can only be amused at how the meaning of these lyrics has changed for me in the space of twenty years. I was a bit of a wild child in my teens and twenties, and I passionately felt that sleep was highly over-rated. Far too much else to be doing with my time! Right now though it really does feel like I’ll sleep when I’m dead and not before, simply cos there sure ain’t much sleep going on around here, and it’s not voluntary deprivation! Miss M is still having her nightly carryings on, and while her Papa is dealing with her, my other baby girl is here on the inside keeping me up as well. Bless! But also, arghhhhhh…how I crave a full eight hours of deep uninterrupted sleep. Six, even!
Last night as I lay awake in a silent house (no fair!), my mind was buzzing. Only nine days to go! This pregnancy has seemed sooooo long, but now it’s speeding up soooo fast! I feared I would never drift off, and I badly needed to, but then I remembered this beautiful photograph (credit: @SharonSalzberg) that came up on my news feed yesterday.
The Buddha looks so rested, calm and content. I visualised the photograph and concentrated only on the feelings of peace and contentment that it stirs in me, and on my breathing. In…and out…in…and out…and it worked, I fell asleep! Not really meditation per se I guess but definitely a Mindful start! I find my mind racing quite a lot at the moment, only natural of course at this stage, but it would be easy to let things spiral. I am really focusing on being Mindful to get me through this time. I’m
staying trying to stay in the moment, remembering to breathe if I get anxious, noticing the little things around me – birds singing, the sound of Miss M’s laughter coming through the open window as she plays with her Papa…all will be well.
We had a lovely weekend away and today I decided to just leave all the post-hol clutter and washing and take Miss M out for a walk and picnic in the Botanical Gardens. The temperature in our little subtropical corner of the world is apparently only 23 degrees this afternoon but it feels much warmer. I’m not feeling very energetic to say the least, but I am feeling very content. When we drive 10 minutes down the road to the lush green Gardens or go for a walk by the Pacific Ocean I do always without fail still take note and count my blessings – it’s a far cry from Sauchiehall Street in Glasgow, fond though my memories are! But after almost three years here I no longer really feel like we’re in a foreign country on a day to day basis. However, when we go away somewhere as we have done this weekend, I suddenly find myself travelling in Australia! It’s great! Beautiful, beautiful scenery, great weather, gorgeous beaches, and kangaroos! The roos are of no interest to Miss M whatsoever, lil Aussie that she is, but to her parents they are still an object of some excitement. I also still get a bit of a buzz out of seeing palm trees and parrots! What can I say? Might sound a bit mad to some but as always, it’s the little things, isn’t it? Grateful, much. Happy Blogtoberfest Day 16!
Blogtoberfest 2012, 16/31
I’ve been on this journey to banish resentment and cultivate an attitude of gratitude for a little over two months now. So I’m thinking it’s time for a review of how things are going in my quest to become a mindful mum.
The resentment is GONE! Ever since I came back from my brief solo trip to the city for the happiness conference I am, well, happy! Of course I still have moments when I think I can’t endure another second of the toddler world I inhabit, and I still have a slight tendency to go mental when I can’t find my keys – I am only human, and I am a SAHM with an 18 month old child! My husband still bugs me now and then, but it is possible that I might bug him a little sometimes too (but surely not? Ha!). Most importantly, I no longer feel resentful toward him. That resentment was eating me up. I had reached a point where I feared deeply for my marriage and for our little family unit. I am so very relieved that I am rid of those destructive feelings.
Nor do I have that underlying feeling of general discontentment that was weighing me down so heavily by the end of last year. Where has it gone??! The fact of the matter is that not much in my life has actually changed. Only my attitude towards it. My husband is the same man he always was, my toddler is still just as demanding as well as a source of great joy, my lifestyle is exactly what it was at the end of last year – I am still a SAHM in a small coastal town, on the mummy circuit. I do a bit of party plan now, which is fun, but that alone would not have been enough of a catalyst for this amount of change.
Going to Sydney allowed me to take a step back and reevaluate my life from a healthy distance, as well as being such a fantastic learning opportunity. When I looked at my life from a completely different perspective, I found that there is so very much to be grateful for and appreciative of. I cannot get the Buddha’s words out of my head: You have no cause for anything but gratitude and joy. I find I remember them over and over again. It is so true and it is often all the kick up the ass I need to get myself back into the right mindset!
I believe the resentment and discontent are gone because I am learning to be a mindful mum. I also know it’s an ongoing process, in fact, an everlasting one. I am excited about the new concepts I’m exploring, such as reincarnation. I’m grateful that I have found these new paths to go down as I simultaneously travel through motherhood, because the responsibility of a mother is so great. I want to give my little girl the firmest and most wonderful foundations in life. I want to be the happiest, most mindful mum I can be, for her. She deserves nothing less than that and I just feel so grateful that my headspace is healthy and open at this precious, vitally important time in the life of my little family.
One day at a time – this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.
~Ida Scott Taylor~
A self-confessed city girl at heart, or so I thought, I was initially very excited to be back in a thriving metropolis. In more than two years I hadn’t been anywhere bigger than Surfers Paradise, but in the past I’ve accepted the 3 hour daily commute through the hustle and grime, and there was a time when I truly believed that I could never live more than 5 minutes walk from a 24 hour corner shop and a Starbucks.
I got my beloved Starbucks every single day I was in Sydney but man, I don’t think I could ever go back to that kind of life. Crazy busy, fast, impersonal, dirty, noisy and malodourous – everything that the little coastal town we now call home is not. I’ve got used to the chats at the checkout and the doctors surgery, the smiles in the street and bumping into people I know all the time. That said, I have to confess that within the first 15 minutes of my first morning out in Sydney I saw adverts for events that I would so love to be able to attend at the drop of a hat, for example, the Picasso exhibition and the She Runs The Night challenge. There are down sides to living in Regional Australia. We don’t have the fabulous shops, art galleries, restaurants and live music opportunities that I always used to take for granted. However, we do have so much else that matters so much more to me now – wide open green spaces, a vast and ever-changing sky, mountains that I can see from most streets I drive down, any number of near deserted beaches just a short drive away, the sound of the insect chorus every night as I drift off to sleep…
People don’t walk fast here. It’s not perfect, nowhere is, but it’s grown on me and I’ve come to love it. I’m aware I’ve often thought about my “other” life through rather rose-tinted glasses since I became a country mama. But my solo trip to the city has left me with no doubt whatsoever that where I live and breathe fresh country air now, is where I’m truly meant to be. I’ve found the beginnings of a new peace. And that is a great feeling.