This week the 52 Weeks of Grateful theme is technology. This is not a hard one for me! My home country is on the other side of the world, and I am ever grateful that the internet enables me to keep in touch and share with friends and family so easily. As a stay at home mum, I’m grateful for social networking because it prevents me from feeling isolated on days like today when I’m just too tired to go out and interact. However, I do believe there needs to be a balance between online communication and healthy IRL relationships and activities, and I try to be vigilant and mindful at all times in ensuring that my amount of screen time of all types is healthy. Which is why this is going to be a short post, as I need some real chill time that’s not screen time this afternoon while Miss M sleeps!
I have one final reason to be grateful for technology this week though – on Tuesday it will, all being well, allow me to see and maybe even hear my new baby’s heartbeat! It’s VERY early days but I’m happy to report that I was too hasty in my earlier post, and the next day I got a positive test result. I’m one happy, hopeful, mindful mum right now!
Today was 2WW + 2. Confused? I was too until not so long ago. My little girl was conceived on the very day my painstakingly prepared, colour-coded spreadsheet dictated that she should be, on our very first attempt. This time around, however, we’ve had several “2 Week Waits”, which is the gap between between ovulation and finding out if one of my elderly eggs is ready to rock n’ roll. The first few cycles I did a lot of early pregnancy tests i.e. wasted a lot of money! I’m more relaxed / realistic about it all now (at the end of the day I either am or I’m not, and an early test won’t change a thing), and this cycle I hadn’t done any tests, even though I was two days past my due date (very unusual) and feeling pretty darn hopeful. Up until about half an hour ago that is. We could say it’s early days yet, but I’m 38 in a couple of months so time is not exactly on our side, and we have already decided against intervention. Perhaps it is just not meant to be…
I’m so disappointed. But my heart tells me that what is best right now is to focus on what I do have, not on what I don’t.
Today I am, as every other day, grateful beyond measure to have my little daughter in my life.
So I went to the Women’s Health Centre this morning to sign up for beginner tai chi lessons starting at the end of this month, and while there I enquired (inquired?) about the waiting times for seeing a doc. I was told that the wait list was very long indeed but that I could certainly see a nurse for an hour on any Wednesday to talk about things, for example, the menopause…! She did mention a couple other things but I only heard this first one and I couldn’t hear anything else after that for the horror. I am only 37!! In one fell swoop my confidence was shattered with regard to both my looks and my ability to conceive a second child! Thanks very much, lady!
Fortunately I was cheered up later in the day upon seeing a regular GP who on hearing my concerns about getting pregnant again at this grand old age responded, “PAH!! If you have periods, you can get pregnant!” Well thank you, kind sir!
I am trying to deal with this morning’s crushing blow in a Buddhist manner i.e. not sending ill will into the universe and in particular toward that bloomin’ WHC receptionist. Tempting though it is!
Life continues to move at a hectic pace here but am making time for my Buddhist learning in small snatches and my goal is to keep writing this blog regularly as a tool for keeping focussed with regard to my mindfulness journey. To achieve this I am going to aim for 10 minute posts that will help to keep me on track and mindful of what is going on daily, rather than long, thoughtful prose at irregular intervals whenever I can make the time. I can see that I won’t be able to make that time, and I think short braindumps will be of more benefit to me. On that note, over and out for today!
I am not feeling very Zen today (whatever Zen is exactly). I was fine until just after morning tea, when we had agreed to go out, but husband took forever to get his arse in gear (or so it seemed to me) and then just when I thought we were finally about to leave the house he started faffing at the computer saying he needed to check which account to do shopping from. Why? Why must this always wait until we are at the front door?? And all downhill from there…
Oh, I am feeling all twisty inside!! Filled with simmering resentment and anger! A combination of PMS (curse these raging hormones), disappointment that period clearly imminent as we are in third TTC (Trying To Conceive) cycle, and the fact that it has been raining for days on end have combined to turn me into the least mindful mum imaginable.
There was one brief break in the weather and I insisted we all get down to the ocean for a quick walk before I lost my mind completely, and that did help a bit. However, it occurs to me that perhaps I should have gone and done that by myself and cleared my head, as might have been wiser for all concerned, especially given the mad dash back to make sure we didn’t veer too far from the Miss M’s new routine, and my inability to respond nicely to any comment, however well-intentioned…
So, one step forward, two steps back on this journey of mine. Husband is cooking dinner tonight, which I possibly don’t deserve, given I did kind of demand it in ranting, shrill tones of which I am now ashamed…perhaps I can still make good though. I’m shut in my sewing room trying to regroup self. Helps to write it out.